one inevitably short post.

Written 9:29 am:

There's a party. I look for you. You're not there, so, I go up the stairs and enter a room. Some girl is in there before me. I think she's a friend or my sister. I'm not sure. She’s talking to me. I ignore her. It's filled with water but I can walk. Some other person made me wear fins and proper swimming attire as I entered the odd room. There's a dolphin! It wants me to swim with it. I hesitate at first but I jump in. It felt magically satisfying. I don't know. I am ecstatic to go on and on swimming but I decide to leave the room and look for some person again. I find her. I'm perplexed. She should be a he. She is with another she and with many other people. I recognize some are from Sixtreme. I pass her a note. It has some words in it. I'm confused right now. I went back to the room and the girl who used to be in the room is now wearing something more colorful. Ignoring her, I swim to the dolphin for some more. Someone calls my name. I leave the room. The place isn't like before. I'm outside. I'm clutching a folded oslo paper on my right and some swimming floater on my left. We're walking down a covered path. I remember tennis. Why the heck am I swimming? I want to play tennis. I try to swing my arms but they go numb and stiff. It's hard to walk, too. I remember you. I'm deeply troubled. By this time, I'm at the pool entrance. We are supposed to warm up before entering the pool so I toss my things to one side and jog around the pool. I recognize the girl in front of me. I know her. She plays tennis in real life. After jogging four rounds, (I should've stopped at three but no one answered me when I was asking.) I go back to my place but then the teacher blocks me. She's angry because not all students made their homework. At least I had a word written on one side and a girl floating on water on the other. She gets my paper and I struggle to get to my things. She was beside me. The girl from tennis is the same girl who was with her that night. That girl is right behind her. I ask her some things like where have you been? Why weren't you with me? I'm annoyed. She hands me a note written on a one-fourth sheet of paper. The first words were hard to understand. (blahblah. vasectovalblahblah. more blahs. disloyal. anger. unsatisfied. uncontented. blahblah.) Now, I'm too perplexed to move. I ask her the vasectowhatnot. Ano yung meaning ng vasectoblahblah. She explains to me that one part of the word meant heart. I quickly understand the other word. It means to move or to transport. She touches my chest (or the bony part or my heart) then she suddenly removes her hand. That's not just some ordinary hand movement. I feel something ripping from within when she removed her hand. I am scared. Then, she explains. I cheated. When you were gone, <toot> (i prefer to close the name because she dropped a name I can clearly recognize) and I ate somewhere with <donk> (another name). I babble and babble. I'm confused and broken. I feel like crying but my eyes are dry. I want this dream to end. I open my eyes and start texting you. The phone rings, and some guy is looking for my mom but she's not here so I hang up. I go back to bed and hug my Mickey and Minnie Mouse pillow. I start to cry. lalalalalala. I pray.

Oh God. I'm really sorry if I only go to you when I need you but why can't I trust people? I really have to know why. Maybe I'm traumatized from the past. Maybe I just can't. Do I even trust my mother?

Crying harder.

It's funny because I'm crying. I am crying AFTER the dream. Usually I cry when the dream takes place. Jesus, I think I need to go back to You. I've forgotten You since the times of Adam and Eve. Yeah, that long. Or maybe since last year. Why can't I trust anyone?

I check my phone. Nothing.

I easily get jealous or angry or what. Is this normal? Ooh if I can only kill my hormones right now. I was right the first time – and the second, even if I tried not to admit it. I had no trust with the former and I gave too much with the latter. Jesus, please help me. Strengthen my heart so I can go back and believe in people. I'll be leaving and what should I do? Cry every night and keep it to myself because I'm having doubts and probable future scares? I need a hug right now.

I remember you told me that you don't want to talk with someone anymore because you talk with her everyday. You don't know what to tell her anymore. What if the same thing happens with me when I'm there (far far away across the world)?

Please, God, no. Maybe if I start going back to you, I'd be okay. Everything will be okay. I know. I can't easily give up right now. I'm contented with what I have. I've got more than I could ever ask for and all I can say is I can't trust others? Golly. Jesus I miss praying. I miss You. I miss him too. I'm too vulnerable because I know one day I have to leave and totally trust him that nothing bad or mischievous will happen. What if someone gets in the way? How did Juno manage to wait for that long? They're so happy now. I wish we can wait. We can't give it away just like that, right? Hindi sa sayang eh. Kuntento na ko. Masaya na. Ok na. I'm too scared to let things go. I'm too selfish.

I remember overhearing my mom telling tita doah last night: Masyado kasi selfish eh. Tignan mo ngayon. Hirap na hirap.

I don't want to be like the person they're talking about. I have to hold on to my beliefs and let go of my miseries. I'm being too emotional right now. HORMONES. Ugh. God, I can do this, meditate, everyday.

All I know right now is that I have to hold on to something and let go of another. Trusting and believing is important. CL pa nga yan diba? Accept, trust, believe, do. (aww may natutunan nga ako.) That dream did give me a pinch in the neck. Maybe you're still sleeping. Oh great. Sharkbait ooh ha ha. Yey. God, I so love you. I can't tell. (duh. napost na sa blog tapos hindi mo pa kaya sabihin. bobs.) This is one long entry. Surprisingly, I feel better. Wait till the tears have gone dry.

Time now: 10:52 AM. On the phone.

There’s no wonder you on my mind. Searching for a perfect ending that we’ll never find…Toodles.

Trust Mr.8 Ball. He can save lives.

12:35PM: What in the world hit me that made me ask him that. Oh my freaking eight ball. I’m the losing end. Haha. But then, the feeling’s mutual. Oh good. I’m not such a foogly hag after all. Since destiny’s not here and I’m bored as the rocks in Grand Canyon are, I’d be filling this up till who-knows-when. Yipes.

2:42PM: You know I’m bored. Heck I am. Two Destiny guys came here and replaced my modem. It’s now a slender black Motorola which even matches my keyboard. Woohoo.

2:43PM: The guy made me check the speed so I tried browsing. I landed on Gmail and YM. A lot of offline pass-it-on messages. Ugh. 5 New E-mails. One’s from Tita Taan, the bearer of good educational news. HAHA. She forwarded this:



Okay. I’m in love. Need proof? Check my ym archives with Juno – one solid (electronic, maybe) self-made proof that I really am. haha. by the way, a part of that letter says that I have to attend the orientation thing. It’s scheduled on: Aug. 1-3; 7-9; 14-16 or 21-23, which means that I’d have to leave earlier than what I suspected. Aww. I won’t be able to celebrate Pappy Doodle’s berdey. Bummer. These emo particles have got to get dissolved. I'm becoming too vulnerably selfish. Why don't I have crushes anymore? Maybe I have one. Hindi lang nga crush yun e. HAHAHA. Corny. I HAVE to spot. hahahaha. hit me. Jhonah's telling me not to go. I'm trying to be as hard as nicki's head so that I won't break and cry for the gazillionth time today. Ardo's telling me that they'll miss me. Argh. ahaha. We have more than two months to kill. Two more months to keep myself from spilling my eyes out, just like ugh, right now. Kill the music, that which makes my tears fall faster. hahahahaha.

This entry might grow longer.Toodles.


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