when no one else is home

pyschologizing is the way to go. i’ll be dead by halloween to haunt whoever i wish.

there’s no consolation prize when you’re betting all you’ve won. –it’s all right.

last sunday-monday i rewarded myself with an hour of sleep. it all paid off. the computer science midterm exam was easier than expected. english, as usual, was my one way ticket to the dumpster. i got a C on my essay. I have to work on it or else I would be creating some personal laughingstock. the spanish presentation wasn’t such a big deal since it was the reason i didn’t sleep the whole night, right? the first part was the quiz and i’m not sure whether i answered right cause i changed two numbers on the last minute :|. second part of the class was set up for class presentations. i even hesitated presenting till steve told me the presentations on wednesday can’t be about the topic i did. so yeah, just before the guys in front started speaking (they already had their materials in front), i raised my hand and said sorry. the presentation was terribly odd. i spoke too fast and stuttered. yeaaah, it wasn’t my best presentation but they were laughing at the swimming stick figures. heheh. i got a 10…all over 10. wuhoo. haha.

that must’ve been the best thing that happened that day cause when i got here, i watched half of little manhattan then heroes then jumped off to bed. i didn’t even get to wash my face and brush my teeth. what’s up with that?! eew.

i hate the fact that i’ve got nothing or no one to inspire me anymore…though i’m still hoping. HEHE. riri told me i should just wait and pray. yea that’s what i’m doing 🙂

*anyway, who would have known that people are actually reading this huh? should i write at my best? lolll.*

tita taan allowed me to skip class today in exchange for one thrill of a lifetime: trick or treating. my seatmate in computer would laugh at me. haha. he’s dressing up as ketchup and his friend would be mayonnaise. they’re planning to go in front of a movie screen and ask the people… “do you all want ketchup?” then my seatmate would enter the place. HAHAHAHA. crazy people. anyway, he told me i shouldn’t be stuck at home all the time so he asked me if i wanted to go to magic mountain. hahaha. tita taan doesn’t want me to go, so, yeah. i AM stuck at home.

7 more weeks to go. what do you people want for christmas? a hug? haha. no chocolates or cds this year. i’m going to be the one to accept them, not give them out. right right??? someone owes me a typecast cd. hehehe. i have have have to go shopping. gawsh. anyway, i’ll update this later. toodles.

much to my surprise, halloween didn’t go as expected. i didn’t go trick or treating. giving out candies wasn’t even in my agenda. i was too pissed to begin with. tita irene was hollering about my shades, bag and jacket on the table. she said that the place became a mess just because i came there. to make matters worse, tita lyn kept on hurrying me to put halloween stuff up, to put candies on the basket, to help with the cooking and to stop chatting. i was trying to ask for help on my project that time. trick or treating got erased from this day’s history. instead, i summoned all the courage cells in my body and took a chance. i don’t regret missing class and not even celebrating trick or treating. camille was there with me. she was doing her homework. cheska was there. she was hugging me…and checking logan and veronica online. heh. thanks cousins 🙂

it’s not as if the halloween buzz is a big deal for me, i just had this bitter cloud around me the whole halloween time. it’s another day, another holiday for me. i don’t know. who knows? i’ll tell. one day. i’ll pray. today.

oh yeah, i’m a day late but.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAMILLE. 🙂  happy halloween people. please don’t forget to pray for the dead people. it’s their day tomorrow…or the next. thanks to all who helped me do my project. =D

dear world, i’m getting fat. i love you. forever. la la la. amen. love trish. or if you want the crunchy version, love trishA. haha.

toodles.

manila manila. i miss your enthralling scent. it smells like wet soil/grass with mothballs. there’s also an after taste…that sweet dry longing for jug water and that drowning humid weather, please kill me now. 🙂 rizal is now proud of me. hehe. when i get back to manila, please take me to luneta and have the firing squad ready. imma hug them all. haha. —> noodle talk. it’s the bittersweet scent of the l-word that drives me crazy. one day the world will see me fly while sleep walking and talking to my ever pillow. l-word take me now. lol. good night world. let’s bet this day’s gonna get frozen in my head until the sky turns green and the grass turns blue. =)

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these red walls.

please don’t close the tunnel. i believe i can still enter that land through that tiny tiny entrance by the end of this tunnel.

…closing in on me, i won’t run. (:

firing squad

it’s back to the good old days with new people and old friends. knotts scary wasn’t scary because it was sardine-squished filled with people. i don’t know what to say. should i go with my cousins and their friends again? i’m out of their age range thing. my mind was frozen back in time or forwarded to the future. thanks for waiting, dude.

tell me we’re going to the mall…without supervision? you’d tell me something must’ve happened with me because i have the guts to fight for what i want and you’re so envious you can’t do anything about your situation. yeah, i do know what i want but i don’t always get it. it depends on whether i’m really in love with something/one that i’d go all the way to mt. everest to shout it out to the world or prove it or something… but i guess that’s not how desiring for something/one really goes. i’m stuck in illusions no one could dissolve. it’s all in my head. the only thing my hallucinations are telling me is to find something else to think about. in reality, all i have to do is finish my hell homeworks and i’ll be given a ticket to salvation. (but guess what? i’m here sitting at my feet in some asian way, in front of the computer typing this line, listening to first to last-note to self, wondering why i can’t force myself to do my homework. hah. isn’t that wonderful?)

back to you. not the ego-driven you. you, my friend. know how i had the guts in the first place? i thought to myself, if i’m going to live like the indifferent mindlessly fickle girl i once knew (heck i didn’t even know the issues of our school back then), then it will be a waste of time – like i’m a robot living in a routine i was given to do. everything seems to blur out as fast as it happens. i took a chance. i took risks. maybe i may have taken too much. my hopes got shattered and heck, it wasn’t pretty. been there, done that. life’s more colorful once you’ve seen its rear end.

maybe it meant something. maybe it didn’t. i don’t know. who knows, anyway?

someone grab the firing squad and shoot me or if no one wants me dead, call the army. i’ll pick pronto.

toodles.

one art

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident

the art of losing’s not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

— Elizabeth Bishop

lotz likes squid. mofo please no. hahaha.

time to let go.-grey’s anatomy.

time.

there’s a day when nothing AND everything happens. the extremes of life can be smushed in one whole heck of a day. morning was just drastic. breathe, girl. it feels weird now. next thing i know, i’m rushing and getting reprimanded for being late. then, my cold sweating hands shake someone else’s. new people. new friends. old treats. old me. i’m getting old. too old for my age, i guess. off to the math building. 5 minutes after, i’m rushing to the other end of the campus: library. new found friend. study room. mathmathmath. carl’s jr. followed.

old new friend, audrey. music room, magnum and lotz. ugh. inggit ako HAHAHAHA. dysmenorrhea attack. grassy dreams. i don’t know why but i’m loving the grass here. it feels like the best cushion ever. tambay with ry who kept copying homeworks. hahahaha. i kind of slept with all the heaviness weighing my eyes down. pfft. i can’t even look directly at people without getting cross-eyed.

instant shelter by the pedestrian overpass. thanks shadow of the overpass, you saved my life. haha.

math building. slept during math. as usual, i  disappointed my relatives cause i wasn’t able to buy the knotts tickets. am i such a bad omen/annoyance to every single person in this planet? i’m sorry. i didn’t want to be.

as much as i wanted to make things right, i ended up doing what i do best: the drama. the mistake. the regret.

maybe now it is time…

still friends, huh? 🙂
welcome to the lonely hearts club, where members try to get out as emotionally as they came in.

have the army ready. recruiting as requested. HAHAHA.

toodes.

amrak || karma

what goes up must come down.

first impressions are true. haha. piggy, you’re such a hottie, i wanna tie you on a stick and fire the place up. that’s bondage. ooh. HAHAHA.
cause we’re only 17 and i’ve got a long way ahead of me.

breathe in.

how far. how fast. how long?

find a fictional character…or an ugly for-keeps person…or…let it all find you.

jesus, i’m letting go now.

breathe out.

…and it’s all a matter of maturity.

…and this too shall pass.

thank god.

done. 🙂

low pressure area. high depression phenomena.

i was psychologizing myself half-heartedly this morning. i have to study. i have to sleep. the computer presentation was queer. i was queer. bet the professor that i looked like a kid lost from her field trip. anyway, the morning was cold and foggy. so was my perception on things. i kept myself busy by doing homework and the project due on wednesday next week. surprisingly, i was able to perfectly execute two of the programs i did. haha. i studied them for a week and one one fortunate undyingly cold morning, i got it. my seatmate’s presentation was funny. the professor told him to make it short, so he did. he said a sentence then sat down. AHAHA.

i had a REAL lunch today. this is one of the best weirdest lunches i have had in school so far. lotz skipped lab for me. HAHA. ryan met a friend and brought the friend with him. i decided to eat at carl’s jr. so they followed. they were so good to me today, what if this happened every single day? hmm. HAHAHA. i don’t know what has gotten into me but the movies ARE a bit like real life. i didn’t really want to eat but when i got hold of my wallet and when my feet lead me to the line, such a great phenomenon entered my body. i ordered 3 pc. chicken strips AND a strawberry swirl cheesecake slice. that cost me five days of tuna sandwich haha. anyway, they didn’t want to share with me. i ate all the food by myself. not only did i feel hungrier, but i did feel worse. i wanted a chocolate chip ice cream sandwich. 😐 but they weren’t listening or something was up. i borrowed ryan’s ipod just to listen to hellogoodbye’s dear jamie, sincerely me. while they were talking, earmuffs were hugging my ears and no matter how mean i spoke of someone about earphones on the dinenr table, i didn’t care. i wanted the day to be such a selfish self centered day that i kept all the noise between me and those earphones.

we stayed by lotz’s classroom and headed for my building when she got in. ryan and i decided to go to the mall – just so i can experience ditching my class. (dejavu!) i gave my homework to warren on the way out. ditching the class was fun though it wasn’t the mall experience i thought would be. we didn’t go to the mall. ryan had to be in the ksak thing by 345. the bus leaves and arrives during the 45th minute of every hour. that’s sad. we stayed by the grass. i had my back to the grass and my eyes to the sky. it was beautiful – the sky, i mean. that was the time i poured out. i didn’t cry. i’m too dreadedly dry to even shed a tear. something must’ve given my body some drought or something.

anyway, after that, i went to my spanish class. they were nice. everyone was nice today. my seatmate’s funny. kevin told me to bite my Pillows snack open cause no one had scissors. if i was in my real self, i would’ve done that. it was all review. on the way out, my other classmate offered me the last melon-O but i still had pillows and we kept to our own snacks. haha.

it’s tita gina’s birthday. i helped out in the preparation. cheska and i caught up on veronica mars. it’s so cool. come on people, watch it. kris and i had fights: poking fights (he hit his head on the picture frame); kicking fights (his leg hit my knee. his leg hurt. mine didn’t HAHA); pillow fights(he fell on the floor but he kept kicking me. kris got stuck and he didn’t get up till i pulled him – that was about 20 minutes after  haha. i’m going to go study really early tomorrow. i’m going to buy knotts scary farm tickets for camille tomorrow. i’m going to keep myself pretty busy while waiting for a miracle to happen. i don’t want to bore myself with bad thoughts or probable ways to be emo which lead to social invulnerability. i want to live my life like it’s so fun being me. ugh.

GIVE ME A LIFE.

cause it sucks without someone to hold on to, or maybe just not knowing if there STILL is that someone. ohshoot i have to stop rambling and dramatizing my life.

i’ll wait…but i can’t wait forever.

toodles.

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