firing squad

it’s back to the good old days with new people and old friends. knotts scary wasn’t scary because it was sardine-squished filled with people. i don’t know what to say. should i go with my cousins and their friends again? i’m out of their age range thing. my mind was frozen back in time or forwarded to the future. thanks for waiting, dude.

tell me we’re going to the mall…without supervision? you’d tell me something must’ve happened with me because i have the guts to fight for what i want and you’re so envious you can’t do anything about your situation. yeah, i do know what i want but i don’t always get it. it depends on whether i’m really in love with something/one that i’d go all the way to mt. everest to shout it out to the world or prove it or something… but i guess that’s not how desiring for something/one really goes. i’m stuck in illusions no one could dissolve. it’s all in my head. the only thing my hallucinations are telling me is to find something else to think about. in reality, all i have to do is finish my hell homeworks and i’ll be given a ticket to salvation. (but guess what? i’m here sitting at my feet in some asian way, in front of the computer typing this line, listening to first to last-note to self, wondering why i can’t force myself to do my homework. hah. isn’t that wonderful?)

back to you. not the ego-driven you. you, my friend. know how i had the guts in the first place? i thought to myself, if i’m going to live like the indifferent mindlessly fickle girl i once knew (heck i didn’t even know the issues of our school back then), then it will be a waste of time – like i’m a robot living in a routine i was given to do. everything seems to blur out as fast as it happens. i took a chance. i took risks. maybe i may have taken too much. my hopes got shattered and heck, it wasn’t pretty. been there, done that. life’s more colorful once you’ve seen its rear end.

maybe it meant something. maybe it didn’t. i don’t know. who knows, anyway?

someone grab the firing squad and shoot me or if no one wants me dead, call the army. i’ll pick pronto.



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