madrama na kung madrama.leche.

lesson number one: i can never completely get what i want.

this time it’s a matter of monetary hindrances that i can’t buy the things i want for nonsensible reasons. oh please. i don’t drive – hah, even if i do, i still don’t have a car. i’m so dependent on other people considering the given fact that i am only 7 months away from being 18, which they say is the age of responsibility- NOT. this leads to lesson number two.

no more moolah. gotta work. i’m such a cheap alternative to the high priced altering services at the mall…and they so love me for it. HAHA. shux 😐 why can’t i work? it’s like…okay i want to buy this and this and this and that and thoooose but no i can’t cause i’ve got no money. will you please buy it for me? this?! what?! this is so ugly! this is so expensive! this doesn’t look good! are you a tramp? are you some retro kid? why are you so fat? why are you so thin? oh okay. nevermind. thanks. well yea okay. thanks. spare me the remarks. i’ll work for them instead.

it’s what we call pride. uh-huh. but it’s also what we call hard earned success.
lesson number two: depending on other people can be a good thing AND a bad thing.

i am very very thankful that i’m here because my relatives are there for me. i’m depending on two families and it’s so hard not to clash one with the other. i mean, there’s this feeling of debt and i hate it. i hate it sooo much. i don’t like the fact that i have to treat them like my normal family but i don’t know! i can’t! they don’t so why would i? i’m not their daughter nor am i their pet. gawd. i know this i so selfish but hey, at least may utang na loob ako pero hindi ko lang alam kung pano ko magagawang makisama nalang palagi. this wasn’t such a good time cause i wasted one whole day for a pair of shoes and this is the first time i said no…then they’re like..okay it’s all your fault that we’re not watching the oh so great movie. it’s your fault cause you’re crying like a baby.

lesson number three: crying = immaturity?? IS THAT SO TRUE?

there’s this tiny fragile line between immaturity and venting out one’s feelings. i’m not mature and i’m not man enough to be such a stone. why does it have to be my fault that i cried??? so they thought i cried because i didn’t get what i want and i’m being too childish by crying so that they’ll go home. shit. i’m not such a baby. i cried cause they were talking about MY MOM! there’s this enormous attachment and no one messes with my mother. yeah i get it – cause they are the IN LAWS. oh shit. how about my dad huh??? he doesn’t do much. i don’t knooooow. shux.

i cry because i can’t. i can’t do something or anything else to make the situation better or somewhat more relieving. i cry because i’m angry and pissed and my selfish ego is feeling so restless and helpless knowing that i’m the only one who’s against the mob.

lesson number four: it takes guts to stay away from your family.

maybe not guts but courage or something else. i cannot live like this anymore. it’s like there’s too much pressure among the households and i’m lost in between whichever. gosh i want to go home. if i’m studying in the philippines now, would life be this wonderfully hard?

but i don’t knooow. i want to study here cause this is what my heart tells me to do so. here comes the pain and every little needle of hardship brought by life…and here i come.

lesson number five: i hate you and please tell me that i’ll learn to like you someday cause i know i’ll have to live with you for the rest of my americanized life 😐

well yea. even if i’m not in america you’d remind me of it. why? you sound so slang. like duh-ah. i don’t know. maybe that first impression did stick. it’s like…OKAY. I HATE YOU. period.

my family (right now) is getting pulled apart by your selfish little ways. oh please. go away. run along. roll over and play dead. go live your inborn stereotypical life just the way you want it – dark – but please spare me and my relatives ’cause gawd, my cousins and i miss their attention. like some head-on collision with a deer where the car’s spotlights are the only way the driver noticed them – you’re an accidental genocide. HAHAHA. wooo was that from a song?!

lesson number six: i miss my mom.

even if she’s online and i’ve sent a million messages to her….and she’s not replying. oh dear. and wait, no matter what you say about us, she’s my mom and i came from her. there’s an awfully huge resemblance in how we look and talk…and think. i learned from the best. she’s strong and i soon will be. hahah. woot.

lesson number seven: things will be okay…i will be strong; i am strong.

yeeeeaah. 🙂 hello puffy eyes and stuffed nose and oh so painful inflammed sinuses. oh yes, i am strong…but i still procrastinate.

3 1/2 weeks. love you all. toodles.

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