To make it more personal: me and the antagonist, me

One cliche like “‘Tis the land of the free and ’tis liberty it instills in every civilian” should be true for all, theoretically speaking. Why am I still doubting it, and why am I feeling otherwise? Less than a month staying at home gave me ideas and different perceptions contradicting each other.

Productivity and quality against time is one of the many resolutions I’ve written for this year. To maximize the given time by increasing my work ethic and motivation would be relieving. It would take concentration on details and late night coffee breaks. Time is essential with every second of it becoming an hour of perspiration and lean working. The rewards at the other side of the door would inspire me to do more, to reach for more and be more. That sounds strangely motivating, yes.

BUT why am I also dreaming of hastening the process and finishing the whole semester just to go back home? How come I’m having unbearable cuckoo attacks that keep me wide-eyed all night?

Knowing that the Philippines is across the pacific ocean, the largest ocean in this damned continuously warming world, it’s hard to travel, to communicate and to live on two sides of the planet. Frequent interaction with the people here would cost me my essential beauty sleep (not that I really have those these days) and my time. In return, I won’t feel as lonely as I do during those sleepless or nightmare-filled witching hours. Time would pass me by as fast as a bullet.

Which is better? Productivity by sacrificing leisure or the other way around?

In addition to that is freedom by means of frolicking legally as if I really am. It’s not a matter of desperation for social activity but a mere need for interaction with past circles and childhood jesters. To go back to where i started is perhaps a grateful act to my roots and to myself.

My ego and alter ego are working in a contradictory pace. One reminds me of my dreams AND all the sacrifices I have to make. The paradoxical Other gives me a vision of a probable all-Filipino life. How would I know which if I don’t know which is better but I’m not willing to take both paths? This aberration prevents me from being the complete and utter Patricia Anne N. Amparo. Or should I really be a dual-minded indecisive girl living on short notice gatherings and feeding on dreams brought by my own disruption?

The coinage of NOBODY CAN HAVE EVERYTHING is a slap on the face and a hit on reality. Partly, it is true and no one can find complete and wholesome EVERYTHING till step one, they know what they want, which for me, is a big problem, geographically speaking.

BUT as I am a living contradiction and I cannot bear not be my own opposition. Home is where the heart is and where is that HOME again? šŸ™‚



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