flicker and flight

Unwrapped of all pretensions, weeks are getting shorter and time is flying past us by. Wasting time would be a nice thing to do if we all don’t have responsibilities and standards to satisfy. What am I talking about? WALA LANG. Trip ko lang.  As much as I hate wasting time on rather insignificant activities, I did. I can’t even punish myself for wasting time because I enjoyed procrastinating as much as learning from my mistake. Where had all my new year’s resolutions gone? It’s 5 in the morning and I can’t stop doing my homework because I guess this is my brain’s official office hours, and everybody’s sleeping, and the shuffled music in jetaudio seem to complement my mood. This should work out, shouldn’t it?

I want stars. I want balloons. But that’s simply a girl thing, huh? I don’t know. I’ve never encountered such rationalizations before. Is it because everything seems to be a mystery that’s why I’m pulling in closer to what I’m not sure of? Crap. I should be doing academic work instead. What’s with school, anyway? I want to get good grades and get involved in everything and make new friends and make my heavy books disappear but…it’s not really working out well – not with the good grades, I mean. I SHOULD ACE EVERYTHING. Ah the pressure. It’s an internal and external issue. I want to do well, extremely well, but maybe it’s not good enough. But I never believed in such limits. I knew I’m incapable of limiting myself that’s why I can’t say no, and I can’t totally agree with anything. Why do I keep on blaming myself. I feel bad all the time. Crap.

By the way, this is the most demeaning feeling this week and I thank God it doesn’t affect me much. Everything isn’t much of a big deal anymore. It’s either work or play, work or sleep, work or food. Or whatever. I’m not gaining weight either. Ah but it’s all fun huh? Knowing that people are there for me – that’s relieving. Thank God I have them.

Now I’m hungry. But it’s 5 in the morning. I’ll go to bed and dream of food instead. This is the first time I’ve finished my homework completely in one day, by the way. And this is the first time I’ve been told about something that totally made my week worthwhile. Thanks.

Father dear, please stop shopping. You’ll get a lot of that in Indonesia. You’re only making the Philippine economy better. Make it worse so you’ll go here instead. haha.

Happy birthday to whomever’s celebrating it. They’re leaving me tonight to gamble because Tita Pammy’s celebrating – and what better way to celebrate than to lose a whole lotta money huh? They should have just given the moolah to me. That’s gambling, too, since they don’t know what they’re dealing with. Haha.

Last math question.  Done.

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