The letter ECH (H)

Life scares me. Drifting through overrated biblical gossip and talk show sermons, there’s not much difference between the two. One teaches you how to live to go to heaven with an amputated arm or a bloody side burn. One blabbers on how to make heaven a place on earth – and think about the afterlife when you’re dead. (Wink. Wink.)  It’s all a matter of perspective on looking at what’s right and what’s wrong… or am I simply corrupting my own mind with too new age thoughts that my supposed predefined set of values? We’re only feeding our minds on what we think will do us some change – or some constancy.

Maybe I’ll simply base my faith on flipping quarters or swallowing pennies and wondering where it went. And in the process of unlocking the mysteries of heaven, humankind shall make their own heaven, another Sodom and Gomorrah, another talk show in Cyberland. If that still does not solve my dilemma, just take me to the nearest mental institution. They’ve got enough white walls to set illusions of nirvana. They’ve got enough straitjackets to force me to metanoia.

Let’s bet we’ll all go back to where we came from.

But who knows, some little nincompoop might discover the sorcerer’s stone or the fountain of youth or the grass that grows on heaven’s little park and we’d all live happily ever after.

(H is for heaven, hell and hydro cortisone. And yes, dears, that’s how people say the letter H in the third world. ECH.)

AWOL

In this desperate and pathetic attempt to regain composure, will someone please lend me a burst of sunshine? So let’s just say that things will go back to their natural order, does that include the prerogative of turning back time? I wish it has. I wish it would. News flash, world, cybernation is the new eastwood. NOT. But I’m taking it as the closest opportunity to get there.

Please make it rain. So I can run and prove another scientific fact that running in the rain makes you less dry than walking through it. Hah. Thanks to The Straight Dope for that.

Another news flash, I am getting fat, impatient and bored. Those three do not form a good healthy combination. Yesterday, I had the longest headache this summer. I was washing the dishes and I suddenly had this idea that I might die early because I’m such an unhealthy kid. Maybe my life was written with a tumor ending. I don’t know. Go tell me. I shouldn’t really be thinking of how things are going to end because it might be a self fulfilling prophecy, and hey I don’t want to die with a block in my head or a tube up my butt.

Anyway, it scares me.

YES!

I HATE MY HATED FRIENDS.

make sure you guys hate me too or else i’ll love you forever.

I HATE YOU ALL!!!

MWAHAHAHAHA.

Gush of blood.

Today’s the day, huh Trisha? Someone told me a while ago. And I said, yes, it is. Well, frankly, it’s not. Today’s just like any other day minus the unproductive rants of not having to do anything this summer. I’m playing the piano again, surprisingly. And we had a carwash for ten bucks each car. Inside and out. Mhmm. I cleaned one car! yay! haha.

Looking back, it’s not the weight of the words on a lexicon but the meaning – and I find that surprising. I used to talk in very vague circles full of air and lacking of security. Now, I’m too guarded to even say anything. I’ve promised myself that I’m not going to rant nor complain nor whine nor nag nor do any other annoying immature act of irresponsibility but I know myself too well. I’ve broken that promise for almost the millionth time now. I just wish I’m as patient as before, but when times like these happen after times like those, I’m sorry dear. I can’t wait too long.

No one knows what I’m talking about anyway.

Then there’s that tiny little but enormous feeling that pulls me back. Or so I think.  As much as I want to say something, I know I can’t. I owe you a lot but I clearly cannot vomit my guts out to tell you how important you are. How you save my ass every single time but I keep on ignoring you when I feel like it. I’ll get there. I wish to regret but I’m too selfish for that. I wish to say something but my head’s too big for that too.  Just a little more and I swear I will get there. If only I can give it all back. Someday.

So what made me think of what’s worth and what’s not??? The throne. Yes, I was sitting down that little holed throne while pondering on the tiniest issues of this teenage life. “I wish I’m not -” “Oh God I know you can hear me even if you fuck peoples lives up. I don’t think I believe in you as much anymore, at least I still acknowledge that you are there. …” “So what was the price for a single entity? The rest of my life? The rest of all the people I love? Nevermind then. They’re more important than one. And I’m not going to waste my effort in an upside down world that lacks color and music.” “Where’s the tabo?” “Why the hell am I talking to myself?” “Oh I’m hungry…but damnit I’m getting fat. I shouldn’t eat too much” “I miss … ” “Wait, I just said I can’t. Noooo. I can’t miss that. I can’t I can’t.” “What if people find out that I’m such a dork talking to myself this way, ugh. That’s okay; people talk to themselves all the time” “Hey god, did you hear that? You’re making me crazy. So please, just let me straighten my catholic school-taught values. Oh dear, I remember I didn’t listen much. ha ha ha.” “Whoops I broke the soap into three”

I just hope that this summer’s going to be full of things to do…because I’m running out of cars to wash haha.

Okay, time for bed even if it’s only 11:24. Oh I’m getting old.

Giving up on me

If this is what you call starting things right, you have got to be kidding the hell out of my system. If this is what you call a movie script ending, then why aren’t we driving down the paths that once made you swear on your life because of some reckless driver? If I failed you, I’m sorry. I tend to do that a lot and I deserve to feel that I really am a walking symbol of shame and failure. But when I fail I try to get back up. And if you let me, I would not do it again.

Again. It’s those stupid conversations going around in circles and ending up where we began shifting tense. Why the heck is this all happening, and why am I not doing anything about it? I feel paralyzed even if I swore to my ass that I wanted to do something.

Somewhere I’ll find my answers, or probably I’ll ask better questions. This fondness of quoting from songs should stop. Honestly, we can’t live in this dumpster. The earth’s pointless existence becomes inevitably annoying, and although I want to give it a nametag, I don’t have a printer that’s big enough. Just let me get what I deserve, and I’ll shut up.

El Verano.

No beso porque no queso!!! ~shinji.

But but BUT. This summer is going to be ______.

Gah. Alexa, go have fun in PE. wahaha. God, I miss highschool PE – all we did was sit on the grass, talk, roll over, take pictures and laugh at random things like that nursery kid’s “good mOWnin'”. Ohgaaa.

Yes it is true. The hardest things in life are most of the time right. I just wish you figure out what you want. Cause it scrapes my insides knowing that I’m competing a nonexistent battle.

Oh thank god i’m starting summer with this sleepy desperate squeal.

I know you exist even if I do not believe in you as much as before, but please make it all right.

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