Gush of blood.

Today’s the day, huh Trisha? Someone told me a while ago. And I said, yes, it is. Well, frankly, it’s not. Today’s just like any other day minus the unproductive rants of not having to do anything this summer. I’m playing the piano again, surprisingly. And we had a carwash for ten bucks each car. Inside and out. Mhmm. I cleaned one car! yay! haha.

Looking back, it’s not the weight of the words on a lexicon but the meaning – and I find that surprising. I used to talk in very vague circles full of air and lacking of security. Now, I’m too guarded to even say anything. I’ve promised myself that I’m not going to rant nor complain nor whine nor nag nor do any other annoying immature act of irresponsibility but I know myself too well. I’ve broken that promise for almost the millionth time now. I just wish I’m as patient as before, but when times like these happen after times like those, I’m sorry dear. I can’t wait too long.

No one knows what I’m talking about anyway.

Then there’s that tiny little but enormous feeling that pulls me back. Or so I think.  As much as I want to say something, I know I can’t. I owe you a lot but I clearly cannot vomit my guts out to tell you how important you are. How you save my ass every single time but I keep on ignoring you when I feel like it. I’ll get there. I wish to regret but I’m too selfish for that. I wish to say something but my head’s too big for that too.  Just a little more and I swear I will get there. If only I can give it all back. Someday.

So what made me think of what’s worth and what’s not??? The throne. Yes, I was sitting down that little holed throne while pondering on the tiniest issues of this teenage life. “I wish I’m not -” “Oh God I know you can hear me even if you fuck peoples lives up. I don’t think I believe in you as much anymore, at least I still acknowledge that you are there. …” “So what was the price for a single entity? The rest of my life? The rest of all the people I love? Nevermind then. They’re more important than one. And I’m not going to waste my effort in an upside down world that lacks color and music.” “Where’s the tabo?” “Why the hell am I talking to myself?” “Oh I’m hungry…but damnit I’m getting fat. I shouldn’t eat too much” “I miss … ” “Wait, I just said I can’t. Noooo. I can’t miss that. I can’t I can’t.” “What if people find out that I’m such a dork talking to myself this way, ugh. That’s okay; people talk to themselves all the time” “Hey god, did you hear that? You’re making me crazy. So please, just let me straighten my catholic school-taught values. Oh dear, I remember I didn’t listen much. ha ha ha.” “Whoops I broke the soap into three”

I just hope that this summer’s going to be full of things to do…because I’m running out of cars to wash haha.

Okay, time for bed even if it’s only 11:24. Oh I’m getting old.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: