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December 27, 2005.
We knew we only had a couple of months left — 3 to be exact. But someone wanted to spend time with someone else. I tagged along just to be safe with the authorities, just to be sure that someone was not alone swimming among a sea of testosterone.
She told me to go with the flow. Two months prior to that day, I had burned that phrase and made sure I would not follow nor go with whatever flow was flowing. But when she told me that, she did seem reasonable. And I followed.

After 3 days, she saved my behind from total damnation, or rather, stagnation in that state of pessimism and bitterness.
She said there’s certain elements that are easily mended.

The waves rippled through the night and the night after that. And the peace it brought seems to have fixed most worries.

Sway – Bic Runga

Don’t stray
Don’t ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don’t let me drown
Let me down
I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I’m practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn’t seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinitely true
Say you’ll stay
Don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there’s no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everything’s turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you’ll stay
Don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you’ll stay
Don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you

This calls for one of those huge sheets of paper that will drain the ink out of hundreds of markers. Don’t run out on me.

Things.

Painting my nails black gives me memories of that one day at the Mountie Grill. She took out a bottle and painted her nails, then painted one finger each person.  I know you’re happy.

Someone asked me today what I learned at Cal Poly so far.

  • People are people. No matter what they think, feel, like, crave for, believe in, do and make. They all deserve due respect.
  • Certain classes are a waste of money and that is why the school is running out of money.
  • Californians can wear boots in the summer, if the temperature drops to 65F.
  • Teacher to student: “I told you not to take this class!”
  • There’s more to n-gays and oh-gays. There’s actual circuits to play with, and I learned it from a different school.
  • Belief in oneself is necessary for one’s growth.
  • It’s self-deceivingly easy.

20.

It’s hard to think “ancient” is just around the corner, but it’s harder to come up with a ball of drama that can roll over every single selfish corporate sellouts and squeeze the greed out of them. All the words get too mixed up in that melting pot of wisdom that it turns into sour cream, good for Mexican food.

There’s a newspaper clipping from the LA Times September 8, 2007 about polar bears’ possible extinction. And that’s the only way I can think of to sum up all seven years of being a tweeny tiny teen. There’s no drama, cause I’m saving it all to buy empanada for my grandma. There’s no list of things I’m thankful about either. Too many memories to share for so little time (I have to catch up on Ugly Betty). If all the teen passion to live, to do this and that and that and that and that  is gone, then I’m definitely not suited to be in this demographic anymore. However I do feel there’s a lot more space in the 10-12 demographic, and I might be welcome there too.

Given the nauseating blankness, I’ll say good night, world. Sleep tight, for there’s a lot of people wanting to hear you live.