Me.

I apologize for the very conceited post, but this has to be.

As much as I would want to keep this to myself and as much as my mind is contradicting me, I miss you.

 

Okay end of story moving on.

“Muevelo.” Oh let me see other versions.. muevete? mueveme? Crap. I want to do something with my life… and so I decided to write. Someone stopped me from mediocrity (yes it’s the word of the day). There is so much more to life than ADV1’s ADV4’s …manager ones two and threes… directors and ceo’s… to break room coffees, hello pandas, sour punch and ginger tea. Life has a lot in store aside from khaki pants, purple checkered polos, red polka dot socks. The big bang sure created so much more than weekly achievements that mostly relate to code fixes, system updates, new requirements, old requirements that were missed, lack of authorizations, poor design, and all that crap. I’m pretty sure that aside from the celestial bodies, time, space, and matter, the big bang also created dreams and aspirations and world changing ideas and wonderful people and that thing called greatness. I’m sure many have made buckets of money over books on greatness but how does that determine the measure of greatness? It should be relative, right? Well how do you measure one’s standards if one’s standards aren’t even set? Someday we’ll know.

I want to change the world. Join me.

Thoughts.

“You either you do, or you don’t”

“Well what if you do?”

“Then you’re screwed.”

“What if you don’t?”

“You’re still screwed.”

Apologies to those thrown back by the cynicism and lack of faith. We all know the world would not end too soon. A little sacrifice goes a long way, after all…right? Who said that in the first place? Who was the genius who said give up your shit and follow me, make me rich? He ought to be a saint by now, which I wouldn’t doubt. This is rather a discourse on religion, not faith. Are all religions like this at some point? It’s similar to organized crime minus the publicized armor and tattoos, add halo and chants. But that’s not what we’re here for, is it?

I wonder how faith is measured. Will there be a checklist before you die? Or is there an ongoing checklist? Is the measure based on a global metric? Are your results compared to those before you? Will I pass? If I can’t trust myself or others, does that mean I don’t have faith in God either? Oh I’m doomed.

Back to Zero

Ahh the introductory stage of calamity psychology. One would feel instantaneous pulses of emotion – as if being shot by adrenalin straight to the cardiac muscle. One may say that this feeling is similar to that of pulling the trigger aimed for a kill – while others would say it is reminiscent of touching the goal 0.01 seconds before the others. The human body has been gifted – or shall we say – enabled with a spectrum of emotions. With so many chemical imbalances and combinations, it would be easy to assume that attaining one specific emotion is easy, doable. If so, then why do we all search for it?

Yes. It’s that feeling of true ….. (I can’t say it because I’m still in the process of attaining it).

Why is it so easy to say yet so hard to prove? I hope there’s a user’s manual for everything thrown at us in life: lemons, strawberries, apple pie… but then it would be half the fun and zero the life.

Hello penguins.

Can’t.

YOU are a hoax people made up just to gain power and control over others. YOU make my life seem intolerable. YOU are the reason people look up to because YOU are the only one who can do the impossible. But CAN YOU?! YOU’RE NOT HERE.  YOU’RE making it hard for everyone. If you want everybody to learn their lesson, just give them a straight answer. Don’t let them suffer their whole lives and learning that YOU’RE just a relative icon fabricated by the ones YOU SUPPOSEDLY created.

YOU are a very gullible hypocrite. YOU say one thing and do otherwise. An unforgettable one night trip to “heaven” and you’re putting everybody on a leash to hell. You feel so righteous yet you’ve never looked at a mirror. I’m not going to question your ways of coping with the unreasonable jealousy you experience with other people, but heck, if you’re such a wise person, you should know how much you’re wasting on whatever it is that you’re doing. You’re one of the good reasons why I don’t believe in what I believed in three years ago.

I hate promises. I know I break the ones I make, so I try not to make them. I hate comparing because there’s a tendency to evaluate things rather than simply compare one with the other. I hate waiting because there’s no point in waiting for uncertainty. I hate not completely understanding everything I should be aware of. I hate not feeling guilty about making other people work for me. I hate being so fucking dependent. I hate being so helpless. I hate how you make me hope for things I know I cannot have. Most of all, I hate dreaming big cause I know I’m so small.

Preparation Pays

Oooooh. So THAT’S why I have an eraser in my pocket, and some tape on my desk. Don’t worry. You’ll be part of that new job of mine.

Got a utensil to marinade your bread with jam eh? Hopefully the jam didn’t expire a month ago.

STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER, BABY.

Oh goodness. Rachel Yamagata is the new Pizzicato Five.

Search lights and alarm clocks.

x: “are you over it?”
y: “i should be.”

do you know what happens when you cross myspace and a dizzy little lady who wants to sleep? A NIGHTMARE. no, it’s not supposed to be a joke. i woke up at 6 in the morning cursing my subconscious to stop fooling me with a dream that’s insultingly far from reality. it didn’t have that “end of the world” or “i’m going to die” theme, but it had that underlying message of what i want but could never get in this known dimension. all that effort to suppress my frustrations seemed useless when i witnessed that horrifying dream. instead of completely waking up and starting my day with homework, i slept some more. the dream got worse. duh.

I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all
– the saddest song, ataris.